A Short Story
Parasocially Challenged
April 23, 2023
Read time: 45-60 minutes
TLDR:
In the future, we will find new ways to connect with our famous friends. Our famous friends are our parasocial relationships. A loner named Marty Howerchuk finds a new way to grow his parasocial relationship with Elaine Benes. He begins to find himself. He gains confidence. Then, things begin to fall apart all over again.
This story begins in the same place that plenty of stories begin, in therapy. Beginning a story in therapy is great. It puts you right there, in the middle of the action, where a character can explain themselves and what’s been going on lately. It helps the reader get up to speed, so to say.
Unfortunately, as you will see, our main character struggles with even the simple task of talking. On we go.
This story is about a blunt kick in the pants by a thing called life. Life aims at its target, named Marty Howerchuk, winds up, and lets it rip.
It all begins in Marty’s therapy. No, it’s not about therapy. It’s not about a Good Will Hunting happy-go-feely story about the goodwill of a guy trying to get his life on track. No doubt, Marty Howerchuk is trying to get his life on track. But he always finds himself in the same place over and over again: disappointed.
Nonetheless, his therapist tries to empathize and strategize with Marty in a way that makes sense for Marty.
Marty has learned, over the years, that opening his mouth often leads to disappointment. Friends would leave. People would make fun of him. One time, he got punched in the gut. And Marty would find himself in a place of perpetual doom and gloom where the endpoint always seemed to be a resounding disappointment.
In life, Marty goes to work and is relatively unseen. What most people see in Marty is the sweat underneath his wrinkled white shirts, his Coke-bottle eyeglasses, his ill-fitting trousers, his fading hairline, and, yes, more sweat on his brow. He leaves work and rides the bus. He doesn’t interact with anyone. He’s long given up on the kindness of strangers. He comes home and eats pasta six nights out of the week because it really stretches the dollar. On the seventh night, he'll go over to his mother’s for dinner, in part to stretch the dollar.
Marty does have one thing in his life he really looks forward to. When he comes home, every night, he flicks on the television and watches Seinfeld. If you happen to find yourself opening Marty’s apartment door, you are most likely going to find Marty, on his sofa bed, in his underwear, eating pasta, and watching Seinfeld. If you take a look around the apartment, you’ll see all sorts of Seinfeld memorabilia. Posters, bobbleheads, a throw pillow, lace curtains, and even Marty’s underwear are all Seinfeld memorabilia.
And if you take a good hard look at all of the Seinfeld memorabilia in Marty’s apartment, it is all of Elaine Benes. When you look for George Costanza he is nowhere to be found. Jerry Seinfeld himself is a ghost. And Cosmo Kramer couldn't be found with a magnifying glass and a fine-toothed comb. It's all Elaine.
As Marty winds down the evening, he can usually be found holding one of his gazillion Seinfeld magazines. He collected so many over the years. All of those old magazines that Marty saved up had been ripped and torn apart. There were hardly any words to be found. All that was there was flimsy and faded cutouts of Elaine Benes. And Marty would say:
“I love you…I love you…I love you.”
***
Marty Howerchuk tried other remedies to combat his perpetual disappointment besides simple talking therapy.
There was the time he did Group Skydiving Therapy. A form of therapy that tries to heighten adrenaline in order to overcome trauma and emotional distress.
Marty tried Cryogenic Malaise where he froze himself for a period of time. That was no use.
He tried Laser Tag Engagement Trauma. The hope was to simulate warfare with electronics. Most people there were under the age of 12. Marty did not get too much out of his six months of Laser Tag Engagement Trauma.
Marty's whole host of problems and disappointments always seem to be right around the corner.
Now, Marty is back in regular ol' talking therapy.
***
Across from Marty was Doctor Richard Marner. Dr. Richard Marner was another doctor in a long line of doctors that tried to get to know Marty. Marty was on therapist number 18 in his 32 years of life. Actually, he had lost count. It might’ve been 19 or 20 for all Marty knew. For the most part, Marty treated them all the same way that he treated other strangers. Plenty of them found it tough to get Marty to talk and open up about the important things in life. Questions about Marty’s childhood, his dad, his mother, his childhood dog, and anyone who could’ve been considered a friend over the years came up. But Marty hardly ever wanted to talk about these things.
Marty was like anyone in this world. He wanted to find love. Anywhere and everywhere, he believed love could be found. He wanted to build long-lasting relationships. He wanted to fill his life with purpose.
“How are we doing today?” asked Dr. Marner.
“I’m doing well. Doing well, indeed,” said Marty.
“That’s good.”
Marty sat there and looked across the room. Typically, when he came to therapy, he would wait for his therapist to begin the discussion. A moment or two went by.
“What else have you been up to this week?”
“Hmm—this past Sunday, I got dinner with my mom. We had pasta with meat sauce, there was garlic bread too...oh, we went out shooting on Sunday too.”
“That’s nice.”
“Yeah, we had fun.”
“What’d you shoot?”
“I shot a Springfield…I shot a .22. And I shot a .38.”
“Well, I’m glad to hear you had a fun time with your mom. It’s good to be able to spend your time like that. Engaging with your mother and doing something that you find to be engaging. Would you say it’s engaging?”
“Yes,” said Marty, “I’d say it’s engaging.”
“So,” Dr. Marner said. “Last week, we left off with our talk about your Parasocial Relationship Group Therapy.”
After the words, "Parasocial Relationship Group Therapy," Marty sat up and got all giddy again.
***
At this point in time, Parasocial Relationship Group Therapy had become as normal as going to a Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee or the internet for love.
A parasocial relationship, simply put, is a legitimate emotional relationship between a person and a famous person. The level of emotional connectivity in these relationships varies. Some people show their parasocial love by typing #BeyHive. Other people send flowers to their unknowing parasocial partners. Parasocial relationships are plentiful and can be beautiful. Others find it to be a problem. As we have grown to have a better understanding of parasocial relationships in our modern world, we have found many ways to cope.
One way to cope is going at it on your own.
Another way to cope is Christianity.
But, by far, one of the best solutions so far has been the introduction of Parasocial Relationship Group Therapy. Strangers meet with each other, and say the words, “Hello, my name is Horace (or something else) and I am in a parasocial relationship with SpongeBob SquarePants.” And so on.
***
Clearly, Marty Howerchuk was in a parasocial relationship with Elaine Benes.
And Marty’s parasocial relationship with Elaine had cracked him open to Dr. Marner like no other before.
One day, after thirty minutes of Marty mumbling one-word answers, Dr. Marner began talking about his day.
Dr. Marner had a strategy for patients that were a little more guarded with their words in a therapeutic environment. Dr. Marner thought, “If I open up a little, maybe, just maybe, the patient will too.”
Dr. Marner mentioned he’d watched Seinfeld during lunch. Dr. Marner struck oil.
After the Seinfeld revelation, Marty talked and talked and talked. They went down the path of Elaine Benes. And Marty talked and talked and talked.
In Marty’s next session, they kept on with Marty’s interest in Seinfeld. The focus narrowed toward Elaine. Things came up about Marty’s past. Marty talked about how he was introduced to Seinfeld. Marty talked about how he felt about Elaine. And for a brief glimmer of time, Marty talked about his father.
“Now,” said Dr. Marner, “you mentioned your father…what about Seinfeld makes you think of your father?”
Marty did not answer.
Dr. Marner left the end of the session handing Marty a green slip of paper with a phone number, an email address, and a website for Marty to go forward with Parasocial Relationship Group Therapy.
Parasocial Relationship Group Therapy #71
212-514-3333
www.PRGT71.org
"Okay," Marty said, "I'll give it a try."
***
Marty took the advice and found himself doing something he hadn’t done on a Friday night, maybe in his whole adult life. He was going out. The local YMCA was holding Parasocial Relationship Group Therapy night for various people: Eminem, Kendall Roy, the entire cast of Cheers, and so on. Then, there was the group for Elaine Benes. That is where Marty went.
Marty, being the type of guy who didn’t talk about his mother and father in therapy, hardly spoke.
There was Frank who got the talking going. Frank was something of the shaman of the group. He laid a path for conversation and gave some guidelines for “how things go around here,” as Frank put it.
Marty’s shoulders were square and his ears were perked.
“So everyone, to anyone that’s new, that’s kind of how it goes,” Frank said. “This week is going to be an open week…I see we have a handful of newcomers here tonight too. Hopefully, we can get you all a chance to speak up and talk about yourselves, Elaine, anything related to Seinfeld, anything really. We are totally open here and would love to hear each of you talk.”
Frank scratched his leg and rubbed his ear.
“Alright,” continued Frank with a fingerful of earwax. “Who wants to get started?”
There was Tommy, who talked about Elaine’s evolution from season one through season nine. He explained how he thought about her when he was a kid, when he watched every episode on cable. Then how his thoughts on Elaine changed watching the show on Netflix as an adult. To Tommy, it was clear: once he was a boy, now he was a man, and he had Elaine to thank for that.
Then there was Alex. He highlighted the episode titled, “The Contest.” The episode broke ground for cable television, Alex noted. He mentioned how Elaine’s participation in “the contest” changed the perception of female characters on cable sitcom television. He claimed that Elaine’s presence in this episode was as important to the progress of sexuality as Nichelle Nichols and William Shatner kissing in Star Trek was to race relations.
And Marty sat there taking it all in. He thought about Elaine on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine with George, Jerry, and Kramer cut out and missing. Elaine was wearing leather. And Marty’s thoughts wandered.
Frank motioned at Marty.
“Excuse me, sir,” said Frank. “Would you like to introduce yourself and say a few words?”
“Umm.”
“No pressure at all…definitely, not everyone speaks their first time.”
Marty took a moment.
“Y—yes, I can talk.”
Marty stood up.
He’d had a lot on his mind. In fact, Marty had a lot on his mind for the past 32 years of his life. Most of it unsaid. And Marty went on:
“Elaine means everything to me.”
Marty went on to speak poetry.
He took all the words that the other men thought they could say but had never said before. He spoke truthfully about the type of person that Elaine was and what Elaine meant to him. Marty spoke to the heavens about everything Elaine represented in his life. Marty said the words:
“Elaine has become a foundation in my life, like my mother or anyone in my life. I come home and she’s there for me. It’s comforting. It means the world to me.”
Marty let it be known to a room full of strangers that his world was full and it was all because of Elaine. The room full of strangers did something that no room full of strangers did for Marty before...they clapped.
And Marty’s heart was full.
They went on to talk about their specifically highlighted episode, “The Heart Attack.” Marty’s heart was full again. The scene where George is having his heart attack…Marty really liked the red that Elaine is wearing during the scene.
“I went to the meeting,” Marty said to Dr. Marner. “It was great…I’ve never talked to anyone about Elaine like that before.”
“That’s good Marty, that’s really good.”
They went on about Elaine Benes. They talked about the latest episodes of Seinfeld that Marty watched.
"I think," said Marty, "the thing that I've really come to realize...as I got thinking...Elaine is the one constant in my life. She never changes. It's the one thing I can rely upon in my life."
"That's good, Marty."
Dr. Marner tried to bring up Marty’s mother. Nothing.
Dr. Marner tried to bring up Marty’s childhood dog. More of nothing. And the conversation died. Marty’s time was up.
“Can I leave you with one thing?” asked Marty to Dr. Marner.
“Of course.”
“Thank you again for mentioning the Relationship Group for Elaine, Dr. Marner. It really means a lot…I’m looking forward to bringing it up to you next week.”
“That’s really good, Marty. I’m excited to hear about it.”
***
This week when Friday rolled around, Marty was downright giddy. He looked forward to Friday night. He was going out. He had his Parasocial Relationship Group Therapy to look forward to.
He even struck up a conversation at his office lunchroom. While getting coffee, he asked Beatrice Lofton, “Good day today?”
Beatrice said, “Yes, doing well.”
“That’s good.”
And they went on their day.
Marty was flat-out bubbly. He had watched an extra episode of Seinfeld each night this past week, he was so darn giddy.
At tonight’s Parasocial Relationship Group Therapy, Marty got there early. So early, in fact, he helped set up chairs, unfold tables, and made coffee for everyone. Marty felt pride. Marty felt like he belonged.
Frank the shaman walked into the YMCA and saw Marty there early. He recognized him as the monologuing Elaine fanatic from last week. And who couldn’t recognize those Coke-bottle glasses?
“Hey, how’s it going?” asked Frank.
“H—Hey.”
“Marty, right? You’re Marty?”
“Y—yes.”
“Hey, it’s good to see you again.”
Frank held out his hand to shake Marty’s hand. Frank had a genuine smile and tone of voice that made sense as to why he was the shaman of their Parasocial Relationship Group.
Frank wore a loosely fitting green polo shirt with khaki pants. His faded hairline suggested he had seen a lot. Frank had mainly worked office jobs, he got divorced and grew up in a nice neighborhood. Frank knew as much about life as any other plain American fella who was pushing 40 years old. He still felt he had plenty of life in him. But he was a lot more careful nowadays.
Frank went on, “Hey it’s always good to see a new face come around. Glad to see you’re here early helping out too.”
“Well—I—I had a good time last week. It was nice hearing all the people say what they had to say.”
“It is. It’s a bit, uh, cathartic, ya know? You hear all these people who have watched the show. They have these experiences in their lives. It’s nice to be able to connect those experiences together. It’s nice to hear from other people.”
“Yeah,” said Marty, “it is.”
Frank carried himself with a confidence that he had been coming to the YMCA to talk about Elaine for a while. For Frank, this was not wholly true. For Frank, it wasn’t just Elaine. He had been to meetings about Bill Withers, Bender from The Breakfast Club, Robert De Niro from Goodfellas, Barry Manilow, Donald Trump from The Apprentice, Lionel Messi, and many, many more!
Frank had been around a while. He grabbed a cup of coffee and talked casually to Nicole, the leader of the Snoop Doggy Dogg Parasocial Relationship Group. They talked about their work week and Nicole shared a funny story about going to Dunkin’ Donuts earlier.
Meanwhile, Marty stood by, looked around, bounced on his feet back-and-forth, listened to the conversation, and drank his coffee.
“Nicole, I have someone I want you to meet,” said Frank.
Frank motioned towards Marty and drew him close to Nicole.
“Nicole,” said Frank, “this is Marty.”
“Pleasure to meet you!” said Nicole.
“Pleasure.”
“This your first time?!”
“Uh—ah—no, ah—I was here last week.”
“Ohhhh, you’re just getting your feet wet, huh?!”
“Yeah,” said Marty, “I suppose you could say so.”
“He’s really good,” said Frank. “Last week he said some good things about Elaine.”
“Ohhhh, that’s so gooooood! Not everyone has the courage to speak up their first time, ya know?”
“Oh—ah—”
Frank and Nicole continued to talk about keeping the good times rolling. They talked about new Parasocial Relationship Groups that might be interested in the area. They chatted casually about the world surrounding Parasocial Relationship Groups. Marty watched them and waddled back-and-forth thinking about what to say next.
“Heyyyyy, do you like music?”
“Ah—um.”
“She’s talking about Snoop Doggy Dogg,” said Frank. “You’re talking about Snoop, right?”
“Of course, I’m talking about Snoop Doggy Dogg!”
“Nicole runs Snoop Dogg’s Parasocial Relationship Group. Can see why, ya know?” Frank motioned to Marty. He gave him a playful jab in the ribs. Frank and Nicole shared a laugh. Marty kept bouncing back-and-forth and back-and-forth on his feet. Marty even smiled a little bit.
“Ohhhhhh stop it, Frank! Isn’t he ridiculous?” Nicole gave Frank a playful shove on the shoulder. “And it’s Snoop Doggy Dogg. Not Snoop Dogg. Not Snoop Lion. Snoop Doggy Dogg!”
***
More and more people flooded into the YMCA. People grabbed coffee and donuts and began to scurry into their Parasocial Relationship Groups. Meanwhile, Marty could not help himself but hear Nicole’s voice everywhere he went. It rang through the YMCA gymnasium. It wasn’t until she left, he thought, that he could gather himself and get properly ready for tonight’s meeting. He walked to their group with Frank.
Marty refilled his coffee, grabbed a donut with frosting and sprinkles, and shuffled towards the Elaine Benes Parasocial Relationship Group. He swooned. Marty shuffled his way to his seat and got ready for his meeting. He couldn’t wait to speak up today.
The meeting started off like usual. Frank got the ball rolling. He laid the same foundation as last week. For the most part, it was the usual crowd. The same folks from last week. Marty noticed Alex, Tommy, Barry, Michael, Christoff, Horace, Lance, Worthington, and Justin. All of them were good-seeming folks.
Then, there was one face that stood out. Marty didn’t notice him from last week.
“I see we have a new face this week,” said Frank.
“Ah, so this is a new face,” thought Marty.
“Great to have a new face here. We encourage newcomers to speak up, but if you don’t feel comfortable, that is totally cool. This is an open environment. We are all here to listen to one another and hear what each of us has to say. You can talk about anything. You can talk about Elaine, Seinfeld, your mother, your father, anything. This is a totally open environment. And we’re happy to have you.”
Marty nodded in agreeance.
“It’s great to be here,” said the stranger. “My name is Steve, it’s nice to meet you all.”
Steve came forward on his own and spoke up in a way that Marty didn’t during his first week there. Marty thought to himself, “Who is this guy? Who just gets called out and goes ahead and introduces himself? That’s not how things are supposed to go. Who does this guy think he is?”
Marty continued down what Dr. Marner called a “Negative Thought Pattern” and found his way back into the conversation.
Frank was talking.
Alex raised his hand.
A familiar voice with Positive Thought Patterns was about to speak his mind. And Alex spoke on and on.
***
The rest of the meeting went on without a hitch.
Alex wrapped his thoughts.
Tommy spoke.
Christoff had words to say about the finer qualities of Elaine and her place inside of the Seinfeld universe.
Even Frank took the microphone for a little bit. Last week, Frank had simply introduced the group and concluded. This week, for Frank to say a few words about his growth as an Elaine aficionado seemed like a step in the right direction.
“Okay everyone,” Frank said. “It looks like we have about enough time for one more person to speak.”
Marty raised his hand.
“Yes, Steve,” said Frank.
Apparently, Steve, the new guy, raised his hand too.
Marty figured, “Okay, okay, this is okay. It’s Steve’s first time. It’s not the end of the world to be skipped over. Maybe, just maybe, we can learn something here. After all, he’s probably a good guy.
Then, it happened:
Steve spoke about Elaine.
He spoke about Elaine the same way that Marty spoke about Elaine last week. Not the same words, but the same passion. There was love. Marty could sense it. Then, Steve said it, “I love Elaine…and this is what she means to me…”
Steve looked like he was performing Shakespeare for high-class elites. His penchant for words crossed with a clear connection with Elaine Benes vibrated to everyone’s core. Steve spoke about his mother. He talked elegantly about his father and watched Seinfeld with his father growing up. He talked about making kids laugh at the lunch table doing impressions of Elaine.
Marty sat there and took it all in.
Steve made people laugh. He made people cry. He did it all.
Marty looked over and saw Christoff wiping a tear from his eye.
“So anyway,” concluded Steve, “that is about what I have to say about Elaine. All of Seinfeld, really. It holds a place in my heart as a foundation of my world. Ever since I was a little boy, I have existed in a world where Seinfeld also existed. Whenever it was on…I don’t know, the world all seemed connected in a way. All my family, my brother, my mom, my dad, my cousins all sat around and watched it together…it was the best of times.”
The room of strangers gave Steve a standing ovation. Alex put a couple of fingers in his mouth and gave a resounding whistle.
It took Marty a second to realize everyone was standing. His eyes wiggled back-and-forth nervously. Realizing that he would be all alone sitting in his chair, he stood up, clapped for this stranger named Steve, and sat back down with the rest of them.
Marty thought back to last week. He thought about the little claps he got for speaking up last week. He thought about being the new guy and how comforting he felt last week. Now, he was not the new guy. Now, he wasn’t even heard at all. And this new guy was getting a standing ovation.
Marty was defeated.
***
Marty felt desperation creeping in. Marty went to raise his hand. Maybe, just maybe, he could have the last word.
“Alright everyone,” said Frank, “I think that’s enough for tonight, we’re just about out of time…oh, Marty, do you have something to say.”
“Oh—ah—um—no, thank you.”
“Alright, this was a great night everyone. Thanks for coming out.”
***
Outside of Steve’s apartment was a regular, plain-seeming apartment complex. Cars came in and out at a regular pace. There were a handful of select parking spots with a roof overhead to protect from the rain or the snow.
Inside of Steve’s apartment was a regular, plain-seeming apartment. There was a sofa chair, a regular sofa, and a kitchen table. There were pictures of friends and family all over the apartment. There was a poster of Jimi Hendrix and of Pulp Fiction. Some dirty dishes were in the sink, but otherwise, it was a clean place.
Also, inside the apartment was broken glass from the window on the side of the apartment.
Also inside the apartment was Marty Howerchuk.
All alone, Marty paced around Stranger Steve’s apartment. He thought about this past week. He thought about the madness. He thought about his disgusting shirt, his stained Coke-bottle glasses, and the .38 in his hand.
It all started Friday night when Stranger Steve spoke up at Marty’s Parasocial Relationship Group, Marty thought.
And Marty continued to think.
Marty thought about how he could barely get out of bed on Saturday. Seinfeld played like white noise in the background.
He thought about how he still could not get out of bed on Sunday. So much so, he did not go to dinner with his mother on Sunday.
He thought about how he called into work on Monday and stayed in bed all day.
He thought about how he did not even bother calling into work on Tuesday and, yes, remained in bed all day.
He thought about Dr. Marner’s voicemail that was left on Wednesday after he laid in bed and missed his session with Dr. Marner. Dr. Marner said in the voicemail:
“Hi Marty, this is Dr. Marner. I am calling just because you haven’t made it to our scheduled appointment tonight. Just checking in because I don’t see here that you’ve contacted us to reschedule. I know that might show up as a charge on your account, I don’t know, I don’t really handle that side of things. But anyway, unless you show up here in the next hour, I have our next scheduled appointment as next Wednesday the 28th. Looking forward to seeing you. If you need anything or would like to reach out, feel free to give me a call. Thanks.
Marty lied in bed and played that message a half dozen times.
He thought about finally getting out of bed on Thursday. He thought about all the work he had done that day to find Stranger Steve’s apartment. He thought about the standing ovation…that standing ovation. He thought about Stranger Steve’s words, “I love Elaine.”
He thought about the .38 in his hand.
He thought about the glass door he broke to get into the apartment.
Marty thought about how he was going to kill. Yes, he was going to kill this Stranger Steve and leave a .38 caliber bullet inside of him. “Love stinks.” he thought.
He thought about Elaine. He thought about Elaine. He thought and thought and thought about Elaine.
He thought about how Stranger Steve nearly took it all away from Marty.
He thought about the tears in his eyes.
He thought about disappointment.
He looked out the window and saw Stranger Steve in his car pulling up to the apartment complex.
***
Marty stopped thinking for a moment.
He sat down in the sofa chair facing stranger Steve’s door and waited. Marty looked around the room. He saw pictures of Stranger Steve all over the apartment. There were other people too, friends and family. Elaine Benes was nowhere to be found.
And there were a few pictures next to the sofa chair. It was Stranger Steve and a dog. A young beagle and a smiling Stranger Steve. And there was another picture. It was an old picture of a child from long ago. It looked like a young Stranger Steve. And there was Stranger Steve with a young greyhound.
“Where was the greyhound now?” Marty thought. Tears rolled down his face.
There was a noise at the door. It was Stranger Steve.
And Stranger Steve said:
“Who’s a good doggo? Who’s a good doggo? Yes, yes, you are. Yes, you are. Elaine is a good doggo. Elaine is a good doggo.”
They played and played outside the door.
Stranger Steve opened the door.
Inside the apartment, Stranger Steve saw the broken glass on the ground and thought to himself, “Wh—what?”
Outside the apartment was a wandering Marty. He wasn’t thinking too much anymore. He was just walking along. He was heading back to his apartment with his .38 in hand. He held his iPhone in his hand and said, “Hey Siri, how can I get a dog?”
Time for a Joke:
What is the best time to wash your Slinky?
During Spring cleaning.